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The Furby Conspiracy -- A-Lan Fry
(8/15/99)
By now, many people around the world are familiar
with those furry little battery operated critters
that speak Furbish. The toy called the "Furby"
was introduced in autumn of last year. The
ability of these mechanical creatures to talk to
one another in their own language, as well as to
learn their owner's language was a major selling
point for this "toy." These little monsters were
in such high demand last year, they sold
for $100 during Christmas time...more than 3
times what they sell for today!
Furbies are so popular because they are so good
at what they were designed to do. They can learn
languages and communicate with one another so
well that the toy is banned from entrance on
military facilities which conduct projects
sensitive to national security!
It is no surprise that these artificially
intelligent fur balls are as smart as they are.
There is a method behind the madness. Dr. Enrique
Alongato was one of the chief designers on the
Furby creation team. The team designed and built
the Furbies not in a toy factory, but at one of
the most infamous facilities in all the world --
Area 51.
The original spelling, FURBIE, is an acronym for
what the "toy" actually does: Frequency Unit
Rendering Behavior to Incoherent Emotionality.
This was later shortened to "Furby" for marketing
purposes. As a matter of fact, Dr. Alongato
reports that the first 1000 of the creatures were
sold with the original spelling appearing on the
box.
The Furby creation team was instructed by the
"U.S. secret government" to create the Furbies as
an experiment in advanced artificial
intelligence. Dr. Alongato claimed that these
orders did not come from an Earthly military
official, but from an extra-terrestrial
individual who is second in command of the Area
51 research installation. In other words, a
subset of the U.S. government is being run by
aliens!
According to Dr. Alongato and an anonymous member
of his Furby creation team, the Furbies are an
experiment intended to determine to what extent
Earthly citizens can be de-sensitized to an alien
presence. But this is not all. Team members also
explained that some Furbies have been programmed
to transmit information from their owner's home
to a monitoring center at Area 51. The purpose of
monitoring the tranmissions is to gain accurate
knowledge of the citizens and their opinions
regarding alien existence.
Another programming feature of the Furby is the
Ultrasonic Frequency Emission System (UFES).
Several times during the night, particular Furby
units are designed to disburse a UHF signal which
can penetrate walls and be "heard" by the owner
at a subconscious level. The UFES is intended to
"program" the owner such that he or she is better
de-sensitized to an alien presence.
"One batch of the Furby units were also
programmed for violent acts," claims Dr.
Alongato. "The (aliens) wanted to determine if
they could control human beings. They have been
sending signals through the UFES system to
instigate violent behavior in the owner."
"Not all of the Furbies are designed for these
purposes," purported our anonymous source from
the creation team. "The new ones labeled FURBY
are not dangerous, and do not contain the
UFES emission chip. But beware, if you bought a
Furby from the first batch which was labeled with
the spelling FURBIE, you need to destroy that
unit immediately and buy another one.
Dr. Alongato fears that somewhere more of the
FURBIE Furbies exist. He believes that maybe not
all of them were sold...or worse -- more of them
might have been produced!
"It is out of my hands now," says Dr. Alongato, "I
wish I had never designed the UFES chip! Now they
can produce as many as they want without my
assistance."
As a warning, we advise you to keep a look out
for the evil FURBIE version of the toy. Only buy
the ones labeled FURBY.
Furbie-related Violence -- Master Pezod
(8/15/99)
It all started in January 1999. Jonestown,
Mississippi was the first reported location of a
major FURBIE voilence spree. Jaleel Porter
received one of the furballs from his grandmother
for Christmas 1998. By January 5, 1999, his
malevalent pet was speaking English. Jaleel's
parents were first agasp by the hairball's
ability to "cuss like a sailor on the Titanic,"
but soon became very amused by the Furbie's
vocabulary.
On the night of January 23, the Porter residence
was sent into a volatile commotion. At
approximately 3:50 am, Jaleel's parents were
awoken by his blood-curdling screaming. Mrs.
Porter entered her son's room to find him covered
in blood. Jaleel's nose was gushing. His Furbie
was atop his chest. As soon as Mrs. Porter
flipped the light switch on, the Furbie sounded:
"Wakey-wakey...die!"
Mr. Porter was alerted to Jaleel's bedroom by the
scream of his wife. When Mr. Porter reached the
bedroom, the furry freak was spinning in the
floor ranting in its Furbish tongue. Before the
night was over, the Furbie had been "beaten to
death" by a broom.
More nighttime Furbie violence was reported
throughout this year, but not much can be
ascertained as to the validity of such claims due
to the covering up of these Furbie freak-outs by
the authorities.
But one story did make headlines. This time it
was a daytime incident. On August 4, a
five-year-old girl set flames to her backyard in
Paris, Arkansas. When her mother asked her why
she did it, the girl responded "because Furbie
told me to kill my Barbie!" The charred remains
of the plastic, blond bombshell were found in the
torched yard alongside her Malibu Beach House.
Many similar stories have been reported, but once
again, not many facts can be uncovered.
Furby Links
