The Furby Conspiracy -- A-Lan Fry (8/15/99)

By now, many people around the world are familiar with those furry little battery operated critters that speak Furbish. The toy called the "Furby" was introduced in autumn of last year. The ability of these mechanical creatures to talk to one another in their own language, as well as to learn their owner's language was a major selling point for this "toy." These little monsters were in such high demand last year, they sold for $100 during Christmas time...more than 3 times what they sell for today!

Furbies are so popular because they are so good at what they were designed to do. They can learn languages and communicate with one another so well that the toy is banned from entrance on military facilities which conduct projects sensitive to national security!

It is no surprise that these artificially intelligent fur balls are as smart as they are. There is a method behind the madness. Dr. Enrique Alongato was one of the chief designers on the Furby creation team. The team designed and built the Furbies not in a toy factory, but at one of the most infamous facilities in all the world -- Area 51.

The original spelling, FURBIE, is an acronym for what the "toy" actually does: Frequency Unit Rendering Behavior to Incoherent Emotionality. This was later shortened to "Furby" for marketing purposes. As a matter of fact, Dr. Alongato reports that the first 1000 of the creatures were sold with the original spelling appearing on the box.

The Furby creation team was instructed by the "U.S. secret government" to create the Furbies as an experiment in advanced artificial intelligence. Dr. Alongato claimed that these orders did not come from an Earthly military official, but from an extra-terrestrial individual who is second in command of the Area 51 research installation. In other words, a subset of the U.S. government is being run by aliens!

According to Dr. Alongato and an anonymous member of his Furby creation team, the Furbies are an experiment intended to determine to what extent Earthly citizens can be de-sensitized to an alien presence. But this is not all. Team members also explained that some Furbies have been programmed to transmit information from their owner's home to a monitoring center at Area 51. The purpose of monitoring the tranmissions is to gain accurate knowledge of the citizens and their opinions regarding alien existence.

Another programming feature of the Furby is the Ultrasonic Frequency Emission System (UFES). Several times during the night, particular Furby units are designed to disburse a UHF signal which can penetrate walls and be "heard" by the owner at a subconscious level. The UFES is intended to "program" the owner such that he or she is better de-sensitized to an alien presence.

"One batch of the Furby units were also programmed for violent acts," claims Dr. Alongato. "The (aliens) wanted to determine if they could control human beings. They have been sending signals through the UFES system to instigate violent behavior in the owner."

"Not all of the Furbies are designed for these purposes," purported our anonymous source from the creation team. "The new ones labeled FURBY are not dangerous, and do not contain the UFES emission chip. But beware, if you bought a Furby from the first batch which was labeled with the spelling FURBIE, you need to destroy that unit immediately and buy another one.

Dr. Alongato fears that somewhere more of the FURBIE Furbies exist. He believes that maybe not all of them were sold...or worse -- more of them might have been produced!

"It is out of my hands now," says Dr. Alongato, "I wish I had never designed the UFES chip! Now they can produce as many as they want without my assistance."

As a warning, we advise you to keep a look out for the evil FURBIE version of the toy. Only buy the ones labeled FURBY.

Furbie-related Violence -- Master Pezod (8/15/99)

It all started in January 1999. Jonestown, Mississippi was the first reported location of a major FURBIE voilence spree. Jaleel Porter received one of the furballs from his grandmother for Christmas 1998. By January 5, 1999, his malevalent pet was speaking English. Jaleel's parents were first agasp by the hairball's ability to "cuss like a sailor on the Titanic," but soon became very amused by the Furbie's vocabulary.

On the night of January 23, the Porter residence was sent into a volatile commotion. At approximately 3:50 am, Jaleel's parents were awoken by his blood-curdling screaming. Mrs. Porter entered her son's room to find him covered in blood. Jaleel's nose was gushing. His Furbie was atop his chest. As soon as Mrs. Porter flipped the light switch on, the Furbie sounded:


Mr. Porter was alerted to Jaleel's bedroom by the scream of his wife. When Mr. Porter reached the bedroom, the furry freak was spinning in the floor ranting in its Furbish tongue. Before the night was over, the Furbie had been "beaten to death" by a broom.

More nighttime Furbie violence was reported throughout this year, but not much can be ascertained as to the validity of such claims due to the covering up of these Furbie freak-outs by the authorities.

But one story did make headlines. This time it was a daytime incident. On August 4, a five-year-old girl set flames to her backyard in Paris, Arkansas. When her mother asked her why she did it, the girl responded "because Furbie told me to kill my Barbie!" The charred remains of the plastic, blond bombshell were found in the torched yard alongside her Malibu Beach House.

Many similar stories have been reported, but once again, not many facts can be uncovered.

Furby Links

Furby Autopsy

The Furby Brief

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